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Charlie Sheen Rockets Into Space

The actor, Charlie Sheen, has managed to achieve the vastly unlikely feat of taking the world by surprise. After another in a chain of recent "tell-all" interviews; the Two and a Half Men star proceeded to get so carried away with his own insanity that it literally launched him into the sky, leaving an onlooking news anchor speechless as she watched Sheen rise into the air.

Onlookers around the Los Angeles Zoo's meerkat enclosure; where the crazed film star had taken residence in the days leading up to his fateful interview, observed Sheen (rendered ageless by his being too "winning" for the passing of time) launch into a wild and frantic rant regarding his "pure epicness" being so strong it was visually corroding the clothes he was wearing, before screaming "I am the Meerkat King!"  shuddering dramatically as he rose into the sky at a breathtaking speed.

Speculation has mounted in the hours since Sheen's departure about how this could have happened, what risk there is to other celebrities on the wild side of Hollywood and whether or not the Hot Shots actor escaped the Earth's atmosphere. So far, there have been no sightings of Sheen in orbit, but reports are coming in from NASA that the International Space Station has been placed under alert to receive the hot-headed, party-loving famous person. In the mean time, scientists have been hypothesising as to the probable cause of the A-lister's propulsion from the ground.

Dr. Habengleiber, from the LA Institute of Advanced Improbabilitics, issued a statement, saying that, "in all likelihood, Sheen's unlikely lift-off may stem from his unique physical make-up. The few experiments we have been able to run on the combination of feline blood and cocaine suggest that even a one gram rock of crack can create a highly volatile reaction when mixed with the blood from the average stray tom-cat. Given Sheen's recent drug habits, it is therefore no surprise that Sheen has been transported from the planet's surface in this way."

The event has even triggered the change in focus of several of California's most eminent astrologers, shifting the gaze of their telescopes from distant potential solar systems to the area directly above the West Coast in the hopes of tracking down some sign of the drug-addled maniac, although such efforts could well be in vain, if local Scientologists are to be believed. Tom Cruise himself proclaimed Sheen to have in fact "ascended" to join the vast ether of the cosmos after the sheer power of his soul burst from his body. Needless to say, there is a close watch being kept on the diminutive actor in case he should follow suit.

Whatever the outcome, this event adds further weight to the worrying claims made by Sheen himself that he is the most potent narcotic. Anyone who may have come into contact with Sheen recently are being urged to report to their local Doctor for tests in order to determine that they are completely safe from his influence.

And what next for Sheen, should he ever return? Although the producers of Two and a Half Men have so far declined to comment, we can be sure that Sheen will not stay hidden away for very long.

Dana Twoolie reporting.