I'd really like to write an ironic slasher comedy where the cast is made up entirely of health and safety freaks and "life gurus" who are all too willing to tell us that we're "doing things wrong" whilst lording it over the rest of us thanks to an ungodly worship of them by the media classes. Those people that are so helpful and bless-ed with wisdom that they have to be guests on Trisha Goddard and other shows of that banal and fairly horrific nature. Maybe Charlie Brooker could help. He'd enjoy it I reckon/hope.
Picture this; a group of the most admired of these self-styled gurus that are invited to give their verdicts on a new commune developed to be completely cut off from the outside world and completely free of dangers within. They all marvel at the excessive CCTV cameras, the soft padded ground surfaces which will never crack and the complete lack of conkers. They moan with freakish delight at the numerous signs pointing out the blindingly obvious whilst at the same time consisting of now sharp edges or corners. It is a bubble, protecting its inhabitants from everything, keeping them from life and wrapping them in cotton wool. Which is, incidentally, what most of the walls are made of.
Needless to say, the "experts" are overjoyed, and take up immediate residence to fully discover the delights of this little pocket of safe in a world of shadowy dangers and ghostly frights. The night falls, the residents chat idly about potential projects in "enhancing" the world for the better, such as ensuring all eyes on teddy bears are replaced with a much softer substance. Gradually, so as not to shock or disturb anyone, a calm, friendly voice is heard over the acceptable audible level speakers inviting them to learn that the commune has been secured for reasons of safety, as something outside had tripped the heebie-jeebie sensors. The residents are assured, and continue there plans to help the lives of everyone, whether they like it or not.
Sadly, due to safety measures insisting that nobody could possibly be injured in securing the commune, the danger managed to sneak in. Probably about half an hour before the gates actually lock. Regardless, someone or something is now in the compound. An agent of irony, looking suitably comic as befits a slasher movie. I'll wait to meet up with Charlie to discuss the finer points. Needless to say, shit is about to go down, as the intruder approaches the hapless help-merchants.
And then, the usual slasher fare. Noises are heard. The idiotically foolhardy individual goes out to check, and doesn't last long. He meets a notoriously sticky and ironic end. But suddenly the danger is at the door. And through the various safety features included within any residence, finds its way in through the door and the remaining residents scatter, only to be gradually picked off in differing ways caused by the safety features within the compound. Again, Charlie and I will go over it in finer detail closer to the time. I would, however, quite like one of these scenes to involve one of the victims to be in a car, and have the murderer in his headlights. He tries to run him down, but thanks to a set of sensors around the car warning of upcoming hazards and their control over the cars breaks, the car stops just infront of the villain who promptly dispatches the driver by thumping the car, deploying the airbag, and then finishing them off as they struggle to release the extra safe seatbelt.
And it comes down to the last victim; cornered helplessly by the killer after finally being chased down, and the reveal. The removal of the mask. The Scooby-Doo moment. And who is under the mask but... well that would be telling wouldn't it. You'll just have to wait and see.
Add in Stephen Fry for some narrating and Nick Frost or Simon Pegg as the guy who develops the commune and I think that's everything you need for a hit British Comedy. Constant references to Safety Dance by Men in Hats and other appropriately titled songs for the soundtrack are, obviously, a must. Oh, and maybe throw in one of the Harry Potter kids for good measure. I'm sure Charlie will be able to spot anything else that I've missed.
I hope he sees this... I'd love to know what he thinks.
