Panic on the streets of bloody everywhere

In the daily course of my larking about in Cambridge, I often hear people screaming, "OH DEAR GOD SAVE US!!!" and I often wonder why. As they run; fleeing some as yet unseen menace, I do not notice any flames upon their bodies, nor do I see the swarm of giant killer bees that could evoke such a reaction. You can imagine my confusion, I am sure, at the sight of massed hordes, taking flight through such a typically peaceful city centre in such a wild and panicked manner. It is only when I spot the nearby newspaper that I begin to fathom the potential catalyst to such a betrayal of the typical English fortitude. For you see, it cannot be helped but to be noticed that there are an awful lot of newspapers who do try to maintain a rather dramatic license to their daily allotment of news stories. As if the sheer, cold, hard face of fact wasn't exciting enough, a story needs to have a chilling undercurrent, intended to still the very hearts of the stoutest of fellows and arouse much panic in the minds and bodies of each reader. And so, such mobs of people, turned child-like in their amassed terror, become all too explainable. After which, it is all too common to join them in flight.

But stop! Right now! No, not another step. Why do we cower in fright from this collection of typeface and photography. Surely, such terrors cannot be so. In recent times we have been invited to quake in huddled fright from the population of foxes, lest they stalk up to our doors and swipe the babes from our arms. But are we really in such danger from these urban beasts tat we should take up torch and pitchfork once again to drive them from this sainted Isle as did Patrick drive the snakes from Ireland. It seems a little rash. Never before have I seen any fox in mask and cowl attempt to steal upon every dwelling purely to feast upon the children that live within. Nor do I recall seeing any fox with the opposable digits required for successful operation of a door handle so as to achieve any such kidnappary. It is not really that often that I see a fox at all. So why panic? Surely, the recent occurrence involving this fox and these children is simply a freak one; exacerbated, presumably, by misfortune of the most extreme nature. So lets keep calm, have a cup of tea and make sure you don't leave your children covered with seasoning and next to any open doors.

But, seemingly, there is profit to be made in fear mongering. Let us not forget the ever organised armies of bacterium that reside for as far as can be observed by the human eyeball. Our homes will never be safe should we allow such microscopic invasion to go unabated. The only course of action is to buy all sorts of chemicals and solvents to wipe the forces of cellular evil from our surfaces and chopping boards. Damnedable bacterial scum. Trying to kill us with stealth and espionage and whatnot.

But wait. What is this now? Ya-kult. Yakult. I see. It's a health drink thing. Sort of like yoghurt. And it contains... bacteria? Well this is outrageous. Here I am buying all these volatile chemicals to keep my house free of the little blighters and here you are, trying to sell me a bottle of bacteria that I am supposed to just invite into my stomach. How very dare you? Say what? It's good for me. There are bacteria... inside me?! And they help keep me healthy. Well how can that be? Who am I to believe?!

This little dramatic piece was intended to show how the evolution of fear in the media can lead to confusion and inaccuracy. I hope that came across well. I did rather enjoy the bit with the bacteria. But to sum up, advertising fear is misleading. We have had years of cleaning products telling us that germs and bacteria need to be wiped out or we will suffer horrible, life-threatening illnesses when, in fact, without many germs and bacteria we would be in a lot more trouble. Bacteria help us develop a strong immune system and help us in our day to day lives in many ways but, thanks to these adverts, we have people that are afraid to touch anything for fear of contracting a disease that, quite frankly, is unlikely to strike you.

Although, you should obviously wash your hands after taking a dump. That's just common sense.